7 Thoughts on Looking for a Therapist as a Twinless Twin
they don't have to specialize in twin loss!
What I would tell a fellow twinless twin who wants to start therapy:
1. Look for a trauma therapist. Someone calling themselves trauma informed may not be enough, especially as it's becoming such a buzzy phrase.
2. Psychology Today worked well for me. I found my current therapist by literally Googling "trauma therapist" and the zip code closest to my office. Then I looked them up on Psychology Today to see their profiles. Then I searched social media to make sure they didn't publicly say anything stupid or to confirm I couldn't find them at all.
3. Psychology Today has folks list their specialties. Ideally, you should look for someone who has trauma/PTSD as one of their main focuses, but it being in their general list of specialties is likely fine as well. Other words that may help narrow the pool to potentially the most qualified people--self harming, suicidal ideation (even if these don't apply to you, it's a sign the therapist is willing to see you through dark places), dissociative identity disorder (again, may not apply, but indicates they know about dissociation which is very common with childhood trauma, ESPECIALLY very early loss trauma), abuse key words, like domestic violence, sexual abuse, etc. It doesn't have to be an exact match to your life to help!
4. Next, look at the treatment approach. I've never had any luck with therapists who focus on "alphabet therapy"--CBT, REBT, ACT. EMDR may be one exception, but I have never tried it so I can't weigh in there. My therapist considers themselves a Jungian—my therapist quotes his work often. Other words that I would recommend for early childhood trauma are psychodynamic, attachment therapy, somatic therapy, psychoanalytic, relational. These types of approaches will (should) focus on therapists who are willing to explore more deeply and help you understand how the past impacts the present. Somatic approaches can be very useful for preverbal trauma b/c while you don't consciously remember, our bodies do and the trauma can come up through body sensations/illnesses/headaches/etc.
5. Most therapists will offer some type of free meet and greet to see if you want to work with them. Take them up on it and ask them very direct questions. Things like, what are your experiences with childhood trauma survivors, what trainings or classes have you taken specifically around trauma/ptsd/dissociation. Ask if they ever offer twice a week sessions. I've seen my therapist twice a week for most of our time together and it worked much better for me than once a week. I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker, but it's nice to know if that would be an option. Anything that feels relevant to your specific situation.
6. Be prepared for it to take a while. My most recent therapist is the only one I actually called when I was looking and we've worked together for 7 years now. This is wildly uncommon. The last time I had attempted therapy had been 10 years earlier and I went through 5 therapists in about 2-3 years. They ranged from mediocre to harmful. I gave up. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't, but it is what it is.
7. When you find a therapist, be aware you may attach to them as if they were your twin. Apparently, it's very common for a client to attach to their therapist as they would their primary attachment. For most people, that's a parental connection. But for us, it's our twin. I was unaware of this and totally unprepared. My therapist moved out of state during the pandemic and it caused a major spiral due to triggering a lot of early wounds and abandonment trauma. I'm not sure I'll ever truly be able to work through it. But please don't let that deter you! I still work with them online and it's okay most of the time. At some point, I'll move on because I 100% prefer in person sessions, but for now, not needing to start over with someone new is more important.
